Understand That This Hurts
by Naikelea Morhin
Summary: Set in the world of Rune-Midgard, Alice remembers her first encounter with her true love. A song fic based on the song Understanding by Evanescence. R&R please.


**Understand That This Hurts**  
_Song - Understanding by Evanescence_

_**Notes** - This is a song fic I wrote for a Ragnarok Online story contest. I'm proud to say I won 3rd place, although many people who have read it said I should have gotten second. >> Anyway, the contest also asked for an in-game screenshot to be attached, which can be found here:   
All writing in italics (after this bit) is quoted from the song. Special thanks to RO and Evanescence and to Ray for inspriation and making me enter the contest. Special thanks to YOU for reading. ^^_

~*!*~

_    "You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the imprint is always there."
_

    There's always been the story of a faerie tale romance. You meet, you fall in love, you get married and live happily ever after. But what about the ones who aren't so lucky? What happens when two fall in love, and then one decides the whole idea was just a terrible mistake? 

_[Can't wash it all away]  
[Can't wish it all away ]  
[Can't hope it all away]  
[Can't cry it all away...]_

    Alice had always enjoyed wandering around Glast Heim. Although the massive castle lay in ruins, it was still a magnificently beautiful place. Birds were singing, frogs and fish swam in the stream that ran under the bridge at her feet, and a cool breeze was blowing through her long, silvery hair. She had always been captivated by the way Glast Heim illustrated a beautiful serenity in destruction. Despite the ruined castle and the dangerous beings that lay inside, the place brought comfort and peace to her heart. It was on a day like this when she had found him there. 

_The pain that grips you  
The fear that binds you  
Releases life in me_

    He was half dead. Maybe closer to death than she thought. This man, sitting against a wall right outside the entrance to the castle, looked as if he had been running for his life. He must have narrowly escaped a final and fatal blow. He was asleep now, or perhaps he just appeared to be. Alice, glad that she was a Priestess, bent over his sleeping form to check his pulse, just in case he had been killed outside the castle by Abysmal Knight or something else that might be lurking around outside. She sighed in relief as she realized he was alive, and began to cast a healing spell on him. Just then he opened his eyes, just a crack.  
    "It's ok," Alice said in a voice just louder than a whisper. She gave him a smile. It was a bit of an effort to keep focused on her spell and speak at the same time. "You'll be all right soon."  
    When the spell was complete, the young man stood up, using the wall as support, and stretched out his sore, tired muscles.  
    "Thank you..." he half mouthed, half whispered his appreciation.  
    "What are you doing here? How come you came here alone? You could have been killed." Alice stopped when she realized this was probably too many questions at once for him. He was looking at her with the strangest look on his face. It was then that she saw his slightly red and puffy eyes and the trail of dried tears. He had been crying. Her smile was quickly replaced with a look of concern. 

_In our mutual  
Shame we hide our eyes  
To blind them from the truth  
That finds a way for who we are_

    He stared up at the girl before him. She had saved his life, something he wasn't really sure he was all that grateful for. He came to the conclusion that it was better to be alive when he saw the smile upon her face. Somehow she made him feel better about himself. She had cared enough to stop and help him.  
    He stood up and stretched. His aching muscles were a painful reminder of what had happened when he had decided to enter the castle alone.  
    "Thank you..." he said. He was less than pleased when the way the words came out of his mouth were far from the way he had wanted them to.  
    "What are you doing here? How come you came here alone? You could have been killed." Then the girl's smiling face turned into a rather neutral expression. He could see concern in her eyes, and then he realized that she had noticed his sadness. Though it seemed that it had been hours ago, it was still obvious that he had been crying. He looked down at the ground with false hope that maybe she hadn't noticed. 

_Please don't be afraid  
When the darkness fades away  
The dawn will break the silence  
Screaming in our hearts_

    "I won't ask you why you were crying." Alice knew that was why he had broken their eye contact. Though she was concerned, she didn't know him at all. She had seen him, but they had never said anything to each other. It wasn't really her place to ask about things that maybe he didn't want anyone to know.  
    "It's all right." His hope turned into disappointment. She had seen his tear-streaked face despite his efforts to hide it. Not only that, she seemed to be able to see straight through him when she looked at him. It was frightening but comforting all at the same time. 'Strange...' He was glad she decided not to question it though.  
    "So uhm, would you like a warp back to town or something? You look like you could use a rest." She wasn't sure what else to say to him, and her questions were long forgotten; even though she had asked them only a few seconds ago.  
    "Sure, that would be nice." He looked down at himself and saw that she was right. He looked quite awful; bloody and bruised from being literally beaten by the creatures inside the castle.  
    Alice nodded and began casting her warping spell. Just as it was about to teleport him back to Prontera, she thought she heard and few muffled words. They were lost as the man faded into the warp, on his way back to Prontera and civilization.  
    "Oh..." A sudden thought occurred to her at this moment. "I forgot to get his name." 

    In Prontera, a brown haired Assassin cursed under his breath.  
    "Damn, I didn't say it soon enough..." 

_My love for you still grows  
This I do for you  
Before I try to fight the truth  
My final time_

    Alice leaned on the railing and stared into the clear, blue water below her. She was so far up that her reflection was tiny and barely visible, but it was there. She tried to smile as she had on that day, but as her distant reflection showed, she just couldn't.  
    The memory had brought a sadness into her heart just as it always did when she came here. The two had spoke many times after that first meeting and eventually fell in love. Together they come back to this place many times. It was their spot. 

_    "We're supposed to try and be real. I know we feel alone when we're not together, and that is real."
_

    She had said this on their last day together here. He never really paid much attention to her words. If he did, he didn't say anything about it. In the few weeks before, she had felt them dying. It had given her unsettling chills and made the time when they couldn't be together feel lonelier than usual. And now, he was gone. 

_Can't wash it all away  
Can't wish it all away  
Can't cry it all away  
Can't scratch it all away_

    It was getting dark now; not just from the coming of night but from the clouds that had formed up above. Looking back down at the water, Alice saw herself with the man she loved. He was beautiful and radiant; the most wonderful and important person to her. And she missed him.  
    A single tear rolled down her cheek, falling then from her face and beginning it's long decent towards the stream. When it hit, the vision was gone, replaced with ripples, and there stood Alice's reflection. Alone. Again. Sighing, she closed her eyes as the rain began to fall; not only from the sky, but from her eyes as well. 

_Lying beside you  
Listening to you breathe  
The life that flows inside of you  
Burns inside of me_

    A strong arm wrapped around her waist, taking her by surprise. She didn't have to smell the sweet scent of his cologne or hear the voice that followed to know who he was. Here he was again, taking her into his arms as he had done so many times before.  
    "I'm sorry," he whispered into her ear. His voice was as deep and soothing as it always had been. "I'm so sorry..." 

_Hold and speak to me  
Of love without a sound  
Tell me you will live through this  
And I will die for you_

    "I've missed you so much..." She could hear the sincerity in his voice, but didn't know how to respond to his apology. She kept her eyes closed, fearing that if she opened them she would find her reflection staring back at her, and once again she would be alone.  
    "I've missed you, too." He wasn't quite sure why he had left her in the first place. He loved her more than anything. She was amazing and beautiful, always there for him when he needed her. Always there...even when he just wanted to be alone. "I love you."  
    "I love you, too." It been so long since she had heard him say it that she was almost surprised. Hearing those words coming from his lips again was like a miracle. 

_Cast me not away  
Say you'll be with me  
For I know I cannot  
Bear it all alone_

    "Don't ever leave me again," she whispered, just barely loud enough for him to hear. "Please, I don't want to be alone ever again."     He sighed and tightened his grip around her waist, but not too much so that she would feel uncomfortable. 

_    "You're not alone, honey. Never...never..."
_

    Alice opened her eyes, realizing at once the mistake she had made. His warmth was gone within the instant. Instead she felt the cold of the steady rain softly beating down on her. He was gone. It was only a dream. She slid down, grabbing the wooden bars that held up the railing, and wept. 

_Can't fight it all away  
Can't hope it all away  
Can't scream it all away  
It just won't fade away, no...no.. _

Can't wash it all away  
Can't wish it all away  
Can't cry it all away  
Can't scratch it all away 

"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten." 

    She wanted to scream. He was really gone and she would never see him again. She would never have the joy of seeing his smiling face or his sleeping form as they rested out in a field. She would never be with him here again. She felt reckless. She wanted to get away from this place and run as far away as she could, but she couldn't. She couldn't pick herself up. She couldn't force herself to move. It hurt. It hurt so bad.  
    "Because I'm dying of it too..." She whispered, her eyes staring out at the beautiful scenery before her, the words echoing in her head. "Because I'm dying of it too." 

_"Because I'm dying of it too.  
Because I'm dying of it too.  
Because I'm dying of it too."_


End file.
